2 Miscarriages In 1 Year And What Brought Me Through It - Houston Area Photographer
In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I thought I would share my own personal journey. Very little of which has been shared in such a public forum. Sharing my fears, my pain, my struggles, and what brought me through it all. It's not the easiest topic to dive into, but I think it's important to share with others who are going through something similar or who encounter those who are or have. I know, not your typical photographer's blog post, but I thought it would be appropriate to step outside of my typical posts this week. So let's start at the beginning.
I'm Scared Of Having Children.
Before marrying my husband, and even a little afterwards, there were a lot of details about having children that terrified me! First, there was the whole birthing a baby thing that completely freaked me out. So much so that I had convinced myself that giving birth was the way I was going to die. A bit irrational, I know. I may have seen too many movies and watched too much daytime television, but nevertheless it was a real concern of mine. My second fear was what if I don't like my kid?? We've all been around those children who cause us to think that we never want to reproduce, and I was so worried that that would be my kid one day, and even I wouldn't like him/her. Thankfully, neither of those fears came to reality. I survived not just one, but two childbirths(although, I thought I was dying during my second), and I love my children more than I could ever even begin to put into words.
What If I Can't Get Pregnant?
One fear I never considered, however, was if I was going to be able to have children. I found out I was pregnant in April 2011, the morning this photo was taken. We were so excited, and had already started thinking about baby names and where to set up the nursery. It wasn't until I lost that sweet tiny baby in May of 2011 that I started thinking this may never happen for us. Anyone who has experienced a miscarriage will tell you, it's and intense physical pain, and the sadness of losing your child stays with you, and stirs up your emotions at the most random of times. Six years later, and this photo still breaks my heart every time I see it.
Your Will, Not Mine.
I experienced a very real moment in prayer the night of my miscarriage. You see, my husband was out when the miscarriage began. He rushed home to be with me as soon as he learned of what was happening, so I had about 20-30 minutes by myself to try and process it. I cried... a lot!! I begged and pleaded with God to let me keep my baby. It was horrible. That went on for a little while, and then I paused... I took a deep breath, and prayed some more. Only this time it was a prayer of peace, clarity, and comfort in and from my Creator. I laid back in my chair, closed my eyes and prayed through my tears, "But God, I pray that your will be done." Those are some of the hardest words I've ever had to say. The comfort came in knowing that He is the controller of all things, and works everything out for the GOOD of his people. For the good of me. It was a difficult, exhausting, and painful night. There was still the sadness, and hurting of the fact that my baby had died. But it was also a night of sweet communion with my Heavenly Father. A night I will never forget, for many reasons, and that I will always hold dear!
What If I Can't Have A Baby?
I went on to become pregnant for a second time only to lose that baby as well in August of 2011. That's when we began testing to see if it would even be possible for me to carry a pregnancy to term. The testing was uncomfortable and intrusive, to say the least. The only solution the infertility doctor gave us was to prescribe me Clomid. You know, the medication that helps you get pregnant? I found a major flaw in that idea seeing as I got pregnant within two months of counting out the calendar days each time, so obviously I was able to get pregnant. Keeping the pregnancy was where things broke down, but there was no medical solution for that. My husband and I decided to rest. To take a break from the constant counting of calendar days, wondering if I was ovulating, if I was late, or taking another pregnancy test just to be disappointed, either by seeing a negative test or losing yet another baby. It was all too much, and the time off was a much needed break, even though I never truly stopped thinking about it.
What If I Lose This Baby Too?
Once I did finally get pregnant and stay pregnant, about a year later, we were excited!! Ecstatic!! And every other word to describe how happy we were, but it wasn't all rainbows and unicorns. It was hard!! Really hard... to not think about the possibility of losing this baby too. But my Father saw me through, and continues to do so with each phase of life that my family and I go through. Because no matter what stage of life we as parents are in, the fears always try to creep in and take over. It doesn't stop once your baby is in your arms, which is what I and I'm sure many others have thought. It simply changes to a new worry, a new fear. But through the support of family, friends and, most importantly, my faith in Jesus, I know that no matter what the circumstance is, good or ugly, that He will carry me through it. He will carry you through it. He is love, He is good, and He is sovereign!
Talk To Someone
If you are struggling, please don't hesitate to reach out to those around you. It's not something you and your spouse have to go through alone. Your family, friends, God and even your friendly photographer are here for you. I'd be happy to listen to and pray for any one of you. Trust God, and don't lose hope! His timing is perfect!
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.